markhamill.jpgSo when I first brought up the idea of doing a Mother’s Day Post, I really didn’t know how I felt about telling my mom about this site. (I WASN’T THE ONLY ONE MOM, SO DON’T FEEL BAD!)

First, the actual email I sent to the rest of the Ladies predicting how this whole thing would go down, and then the real conversation I did have with my mother. (Where she uses the word “handsome” quiet often.)

This is going to be the conversation –

“Why are you called ‘TheStarterWife’? Are you and #### getting married? You’re not going to run to Vegas without me are you?”

“Ok. Who is Gigi Grazer? Do you know her?”

“Oh. Yes. Well, do you have the book so I can read it?”

“But if the book is so bad, why do you use the title for a nickname?”

“Oh, so she married a producer who gets her books published. Well you can have books published. Are you still writing? You know people ask me all the time if you are going back to comedy. You really should do that. I thought you were very funny. Why didn’t you tell me about this blog? What is a blog again?”

“What do you mean I cannot tell anyone about this blog. You’re extended family loves you would love to read this. They’re always asking about you. Maybe I’ll send it to your cousin Sue in San Francisco. She writes for all those websites you know. Are you going to your cousin Charlotte’s wedding in July? Have you booked your flights?”

“Now, sweetie, I can hear when your gritting your teeth through the phone.”

And how it really went:

“So mom, um, yeah… before you go I need to ask you something. I’ve been writing on this website with a bunch of other girls about hot athletes and I need to know if you have any favorite hot athletes I can post for Mother’s Day.”

“Hot athlete… ”

“Don’t worry if you don’t have any, I can always just throw up a picture of Mark Hamill or Paul Simon.”

“No, no… um… You know, I always did like Broadway Joe.”

“Joe Namath? Really?”

“Yeah, and OJ Simpson was really cute.  Though, you cannot use OJ Simpson. Don’t say that.”

“Well, he was very good looking.”

“Don’t say OJ Simpson. What about that quarterback for the Broncos?”

“John Elway?”

“No, the one when they lost the Super Bowl.”

“John Elway.”

“No, the one they lost in the late ’70’s with Orange Crush. You’d be too young to remember.”

Sounds of me stumbling for sports almanac… “Craig Morton? I’d have to see a picture.”

“Maybe that was him. He was really cute.”

“I’m surprised you didn’t say Mario Lemieux.”

“Mario Lemieux goes without saying. He’s Mario.”

“So I have Joe Namath, OJ Simpson, Craig Morton, and Mario Lemieux.”

“Don’t say OJ Simpson!”

“Mom, people liked OJ Simpson, he was in all those Naked Gun movies…”

“I know! It is such a shame how he went bad. He won the Heisman you know.”

A brief moment of shock that my mom knew about the Heisman winners. “He was in all those commercials too. The whole thing is just awful.”

“He was also in that HBO series about football…”

1st and 10.

“Right. Back when HBO first started doing original programming.”

“Back when Delta Burke was skinny. Same time they had Not Necessarily The News.”

“Yep. When Delta Burke was skinny.”

“I think Delta Burke is back to being skinny.”

“OH! You know who I just met the other week and he was really handsome, Dwight White.”

“The Steeler? Where were you that you met Dwight White?”

“He was a charity event I attended for volunteers. He was very handsome, and was very patient and stayed and answered questions and signed autographs for everyone.”

“He was part of the Steel Curtain. People love their Steelers.”

“Yes certainly they do. Use Dwight White. He seemed very nice.”

Mom – Now that I have sent you a link to this blog, please do not share it with the rest of the family.  And don’t read the archives!  Anything I might have said that insinuated gambling or drinking to excess was just used for dramatic effect.

I didn’t have a picture to use of the both us that I didn’t think I looked fat in, so I am using this picture of the two of us.   

(StarterSister looks more like you.) 

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59 Responses to Mother's Day Potpourri – TheStarterMom

  1. Holly says:

    Dear StarterMom,

    Whatever you do, don’t read the Beckham piece.

    Happy Mothers’ Day,

    P.S. confidential to TSW: Guess who still hasn’t told HER mom?

  2. TheStarterBoyfriend says:

    Hi StarterMom. How’s the weather? How are you doing? Happy Mother’s Day, by the way! (Yes, I know I have to call my mom, too.)

    And yes, I condone TheStarterWife’s participation and various ooglings of men. I do it because she lets me keep Splorg around the house and she still bakes the single greatest apple pie in the known Universe.

    And um, by the way, we’re off to get married in Vegas tomorrow. GOTTA GO… BYE!


  3. Can someone revive my mom? She doesn’t find these marriage jokes as cute as she used to.

  4. Baba Oje says:

    I will OWN you in a apple pie baking contest.

  5. Sanchez says:

    Thats a great post TSW, especially the conversation part about Elway. Man, I’m still giggling about that…

  6. Mike White says:

    How can you not know Craig Morton? That’s like not knowing that guy who, played for the Rams when they lost the Super Bowl in 1980…what’s his face.

  7. ladyandrea says:

    This is so funny, thank you for doing this TSW!

  8. Baba – Don’t not make me post pictures of my apple pies. (Don’t ask, but when they come out really well, I take pictures. Now I have a hard drive full of pie pictures. And turkeys, but a good looking bird is nothing to sneeze at.)

    Sanchez – Funny because it’s true. I took notes.

  9. Sanchez says:

    “Now I have a hard drive full of pie pictures.”

    I don’t wish to be crude, but you might want to re-phrase that sentence TSW.

  10. Baba Oje says:

    People who can’t make a pie that tastes good try to gussy it up with fancy presentation.

  11. Baba Oje – It’s on!

  12. metschick says:

    That picture of TSW and her mom brought tears to my eyes. (I’m such a softie.)

    Lovely pic, TSW.

  13. I volunteer to taste-test the apple pie baking contest.

    P.S. I read all of the Mom’s day posts on my phone during my sister’s graduation and have been dying to get home and comment on all of them!

  14. Clare says:

    re: food photos

    TSW, this is one of my favorite photos of my dad.

  15. Clare – That is great picture. :) You’re dad is adorable and that turkey… whoa nelly. Delicious looking.

  16. ladyandrea says:

    Clare, you have your dad’s smile! So cute.

  17. Baba Oje says:

    Baba’s pie recipe has been passed down for 4 generations and has not yet found any pie that can match it.

  18. Baba – I said it was on! You, me – two pies… bring it! :)

  19. jebushchrist says:

    TSW – well done. Everything you Ladies… tackle, comes out great. You guys are the best.

    TSW’s Mom – I almost want to give you my number so you can call me and we can talk about HBO shows and felonious athletes. Almost. Happy Mother’s Day.

  20. JHC – If you go the Defamer sightings post from the other day, there is a cute story about my mom watching Johnny Knoxville buying booze. (Because JK is seen out too often.)

  21. jebushchrist says:

    TSW – OK, I really do need your Mom to call me, but based on her disapproval of binge drinking, I think my digits will go into the wastebasket, alongside the Sears ad.

  22. JHC – This is what makes my mother happy –

    1) Space Camp
    2) Girls Just Want to Have Fun with Helen Hunt and Sarah Jessica Parker.
    3) Major League (I kid you not, she gets choked up at the end when Corbin Benson tells Charlie Sheen to get the last out.)
    4) Star Wars
    5) Owning more music that all of do us combined.

  23. ladyandrea says:

    I get choked up at that part too. It’s been my secret shame for so long now, but I feel like StarterMom is my long-lost buddy.

  24. jebushchrist says:

    ahem, andrea, if you don’t mind, this is about ME and TSW’s Mom.

    TSW – Sorry. This is just silly. She needs to call me. Also, if it’ll help, tell her I LOVE Designing Women, which I find far superior to The Golden Girls.

  25. Holly says:

    Space Camp!!!! TSM–CALL ME.

    And fuck the Golden Girls. (well, DON’T, but you get me.) Julia Sugarbaker’s where it’s at, yo.

  26. You know who my mom loves, and I cannot believe I didn’t say it on the phone with her because I had thought of it before Mark Hamill and Paul Simon?

    Michael J. Fox. When I was a kid, she had posters of him in the sewing room.

  27. jebushchrist says:

    Me first!
    What the hell? Can’t I shamelessly woo someone’s mother without this interference?

  28. Holly says:


  29. ladyandrea says:

    Jebus, I’m sorry but: I was in love with Michael J Fox too, StarterMom. I was so sad to learn he could have fit in my pocket…..when I was, like, 9.

  30. jebushchrist says:

    LA, so you were a big girl then, too?

    StarterMom – Hi.

  31. Andie – I come from a family of petite women who look at Stevie Nicks as an idol for being so small and powerful. MJF is their type.

  32. ladyandrea says:

    Wow. This is my day to get called fat on Ladies. Suh-weet.

    Petite and powerful rule.

  33. Baba Oje says:

    First apple harvest of the season, you are going down.

  34. No one gets to call anyone fat in this thread except me, and that is about myself. (And that is my own thing.) Now shush you two.

    Baba Oje – SO ON!

  35. ladyandrea says:

    That looks amazing! Girl can bake.

  36. metschick says:

    TSW: I almost licked my computer screen.

  37. TSW's M says:

    Oh — my I even forgot about Michael J. Fox — Secret of My Success was on one of the cable movie channels a couple of months ago.

    And to the short part TSW — I have one word — genetics

  38. Baba Oje says:

    Color me unimpressed.

  39. Holly says:

    I…Oh, TSB, you are a Lucky Man.

  40. Mom – Nice junk email account. :)

    I cannot believe you forgot about those posters. And you love of Back to the Future and Family Ties. You thought my classmate Andy Cohen was adorable because he wore the MJF ties.

  41. hankscorpio says:

    That is a tasty looking pie.

  42. TheStarterBoyfriend says:

    Hi Mrs. StarterMom! Yes, this is what we do all day. At least I got TSW to put on something more substantial than jammie pants this afternoon.

    All: TSW once baked an ENTIRE PIE for me. No sharing. No bites stolen from the pan whilst I wasn’t paying close attention. It was ALL MINE– which I ate in one sitting in its entirety.

  43. jebushchrist says:

    Whomever made that pie is the grand prize winner of my heart, my loyalty, and a haiku, about pies.

  44. ladyandrea says:

    I want to see Adorable Koala Bear’s submission too.

  45. Baba Oje says:

    There is never enough time from coming out of the oven to consumption for such pictures to exist.

  46. I just realized you can see me in the reflection of the teakettle. Dammit!

  47. Check this out, fellas.

    I can cook too.

  48. GordonShumway/J-Money – HAhahaaaaaaaaaahahahhhhhaha. You know how hard I just laughed? I just woke up the raccoon that has moved into our attic.

  49. I do what I can, TSW. I do what I can.

  50. jebushchrist says:

    mmmmmmm… Steak-umms. You are the total package, G-Shum.

  51. Radioman says:

    Wow, TSW, based on the reflection in the teapot, I could totally pick you out of a lineup, as long as you were willing to stand concave with a camera in front of your face.

    ALF, you really must learn to put a little butter in the pan before you cook the box of Steak-ums. It really helps bring out the flavor of the cardboard.

  52. Mike White says:

    TSW, Baba Oje, YA GOT NUTHIN’, I said NUTHIN’ on my pies. I’ve got a sweet potato pie that you will literally kill for. I will challenge you with any style of pie, as I have access to unlimited quality produce here in North Carolina. I’ll take all y’all on…

  53. extrapolater says:

    I am so relieved to know that I’m not the only one who was not keen on having his parents read his blog.

    Of course, I never told them I got tattoos, either.

  54. Extrapolater – Mom knows about all the tattoos.

  55. Texas Gal says:

    You are way braver than I could ever be- as I have told neither my mom nor dad about this place. I did tell my brother, though, so I suppose it’s only a matter of time. Now that I think about it, they’ve probably already found this place, and are just too polite to tell me.

    Happy (belated) Mother’s Day to TSWMom- and thanks for the Dwight White tip, he would totally have been my type too back in the day.

  56. extrapolater says:

    My cover was blown when I wrote an article for publication, and the only previous credits they had for me were my blogs. The best was my mom’s reaction. “It’s great, but what’s an Extra-POLE-ater?”

  57. Mike White says:

    My mom, dad, sister, and maternal grandfather all know about my blog. However, I have vowed to kill whomever tells my cousin. (You know who you are.)

  58. Baba Oje says:

    You are comparing a sweet potato pie to apple pie? Talk about bringing a knife to a gun fight.

  59. Mike White says:

    You haven’t been to North Carolina, have you Baba?

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