“Point / Counterpoint – David Beckham” is our first in a series of debates over controversial hotties. TheStarterWife will be taking the point position on Beckham. Since none of the Ladies were willing to defend Becks, we’ve fired up the Fanfic Autobot 3000* to take the pro-Becks counterpoint.
(*Fanfic Autobot 3000 = a brave, brave Holly trolling fanfic sites.) [I swear, these are all lifted verbatim. All [sic]s implied. Can I get a medal?–H]
Point – Beckham isn’t scheduled to start play in America for another five months, but if you open up the current Rolling Stone magazine, there is a special insert ad and sample of his cologne, Instinct. (It smells very similar to Ralph Lauren’s Polo, which is already the official scent of suburban malls everywhere.) How can he be considered a “brand” here in the States when the greatest accomplishment Americans know him for is marrying a Spice Girl?
Counterpoint –Him and me… is it love? Sometimes it feels like it. When he finds me with a perfect cross, knowing exactly where I’ll be as though he’s reading my mind, and I just have to touch the ball it to make it fly effortlessly into the back of the net, and I run across the pitch, arms spread wide, and it feels like I’m flying, and he flings his arms around me, and the crowd goes wild… then it feels like love.
Point –Beckham is so worried about his “brand”, that he generally plays in long-sleeve shirts as to hide the many tattoos on his arms as not to offend any fans who may consider the markings indecent. Don’t Americans celebrate the unique? (One of the tattoos is supposed to say “Victoria” in Hindi, but is misspelled. That type of stupidity is usually saved for 20-year old girls tattooing Chinese symbols on their ankles or Britney Spears.)
Counterpoint –“I thought he was just a bit upset or something; I never thought that he felt like a damsel!”
“Um. Yes,” said Roberto. “When I said he felt like a damsel I meant he felt ‘unmanly’, not that he wanted to wear ribbons or skirts or something.”
“He wears those already,” Luis pointed out.
Point –Beck’s on the field toughness does not impress the local Los Angeles talent, as seen here in this interview with South Central rapper, The Game.
“I’d kick David Beckham’s ass on any given day,” the Game said when asked about Beckham. “I’d just pick the ball up and kick the shit out of the stadium, game over.”
How do you win over a gangsta’ nation that sees soccer as a kids’ sport that lacks the toughness of the NFL, NHL, or NBA?
Counterpoint – Your leg still bothering you?’ I asked, ever the observant captain, picking up immediately on his slight limp. He stared at me almost defiantly for a moment – he’s almost as sick of having his fitness questioned as I am – but then he grinned at me.
‘Why don’t you come and have a look?’ he asked innocently. I smiled, sat down on the bed next to him, and rested my hand on his injured thigh.
And there was no more football talk for a while..
Point – I don’t remember this scene in Taxi Driver.
Counterpoint – Long unsure about his own sexuality Ian said, ” You ok David”?
Becks was startled. He turned. He so wanted to have sex with a colleague but what would the papers say?
Point – Your wife, Victoria, has already filmed a six-episode reality/unscripted comedy series for NBC about your move to Los Angeles. (Although word on the street is that she comes across dumber than Jessica Simpson.) This may be the first time that an active athlete, much less his wife, has taken the spotlight outside of the playing field on prime time television in the US. Do you worry about how this will affect the relationship Victoria has with the other footballer wives? And a follow up, could this lead to “Anna Benson” type problem with the Galaxy’s owners AEG, albeit on a larger scale?
Counterpoint – It’s very quiet in the bathroom. Back in the bedroom, there’d been music, a pulsing, dreamy kind of trance playing, and they’d been drinking strawberry flavoured vodka. He’d asked for lager but David just poured the clear liquid out into a heavy crystal shot glass anyway and held it to his mouth until he drank. The first sweet, heady taste insinuated itself over his tongue and made him giggle, and after that he’d felt light and sort of silly, so that when David had whispered what he wanted to do, lips close against his ear, it didn’t seem so strange to agree.
Point – Questions have been raised about Beckham’s health as he gets older and the likelihood that he will be able to play-out all five years of his Galaxy contract. A fair allegation considering that it does not appear that they keep food in the Beckham household.
Counterpoint – ‘I think it’ll be a great match,’ was all he said. I was almost disappointed. But while no one was watching, he ran the lollipop playfully, teasingly, along my bottom lip, and for hours afterwards, I could taste a faint ghost of its sweetness, and in a way, it meant more to me than any words he could possibly have said.
Point – When Beckham moved to Real Madrid, he took number 23 in honor of Michael Jordan. Few players have changed their sports in the manner that Jordan did, but if you talk to footie fans, they will name dozens of players before they reach Beckham. Which says more about his ego: Comparing oneself to Jordan, or taking this picture?
Counterpoint – Under the hot Japanese sun, the glare of the stadium lights, the thunderous crowds and applause, you smiled at me and looked at me with such affection, I knew you truly loved me, most, best, for a moment, and you kissed me, and there it was, the heady rush of thrill like a goal, the feel of your lips on my cheek, and your love. And it was like Niigata again, Niigata, and the Danes, and the romance and excitement of fireflies and rain.
Except… except there was no rain. No fireflies. Not the Danes, only the Brazilians, with their thrust and their samba, and their horrible horrible noise and great, white, grinning teeth.
Point – When it was announced that Beckham was joining the Galaxy, they sold 5000 season tickets in the first week. In context, the greater Los Angeles area has a population of 12.9 million people, which means roughly .000387597 of Angelenos bought tickets. If you include the entire Southland, population 18.08 million people, .000276549 of the population had Beckham fever. Considering the multi-cultural landscape of Los Angeles, including a large Korean, Central and South American population – all of which the Galaxy has tried to woo before – those numbers do not seem that exciting.
Counterpoint – A shirtless Ian rose from his seat on the jacuzzi edge. Steam rose from the hot bubbling bath. He squirted a few drops of baby oil and rubbed it over his muscular chest. He looked through the spy hole and saw Becks desperately waiting for him. He turned the knob. He didn’t have to say ‘in’. Becks knew.
Point – Beckham’s nickname is “Goldenballs”. (And inspired a “Goldenballs” streaker. Would be NSFW, if the guy didn’t have on a sock.) Probably one of the worst nicknames we’ve ever heard.
Counterpoint –I wish that was true. I wished it then, with him curled up asleep against my chest, and I wish it now, lying here in the darkness with him just the other side of this wall, because if it was true, then I’d be able to say to the team, and the press, and the world: I don’t care what you think, I live my life in the way that I choose. This is my wife, and I love her. This is my boyfriend, and I love him too. I play football, and I wear the captain’s armband, and I *win*, so don’t you *dare* judge me…
Point – Private coach to Maddox Pitt-Jolie . Hanging out with TomKat, and having to miss their wedding because Real Madrid ordered him to stay and play. (Which is what he is paid to do in the first place.) For the amount of money he is being paid, are his priorities in the right place?
Counterpoint – “Smells like milkshake, that lippy,” he says gruffly, although the word ‘lippy’ nearly strangles him.
“It’s not lipstick. It’s Lancome’s Juicy Tubes Ultra Shiny Lip Gloss,” David murmurs. “Framboise. Good stuff. Gives a nice wet look, but it’s not too thick.”
Point – Does it bother anyone that we’ve barely mentioned Beckham’s on the field work? That we see him as a sideshow, a distraction and not as an athlete?
Counterpoint – But if a single look from him can make me feel like a god on the ball… then I shouldn’t be surprised when the fear that I’ve lost him makes me feel like I’ll never play again.
I just want him to tell me.
I will. I’ll score again another day. Even if he doesn’t want me anymore.
Even if he never did.
Verdict – Beckham can pout all he wants. We’re not falling for him. Or the hype.
Working on this piece has scarred me for life. Just so y’all know. I am a burnt-out shell of a human being.
And we are goddamn geniuses. That is all
I am so very confused. Are the counterpoints from a Beckham romance novel?
Baba: even better – it’s from Beckham fanfic.
Is there Wright/Reyes fanfic out there? I’m kind of scared to look.
There are most certainly at least 35-40 players out there who are better / more integral to their team than Beckham. He is just a nancy-boy who became a national (and then international) phenomenon based on the fact that:(1) he is handsome; (2) he is not ugly; (3) he married Posh Spice; and (4) he has a fantastic free kick (yes, one of the best in the world, but that is the only thing that he does on the pitch that could be considered such)
“Jane, have you compared the instances of teenage male David Beckham fans with the instances of homosexuality amongst teenage males?”
Oh, Holly, you poor thing. Were there any good pics on those sites? ‘Cause at the very least, Beckham is nice to look at. Although I would understand if you had changed your mind about that by now.
No pics at ALL. Not that I care, since even if he were my type to begin with, he sure as hell wouldn’t be after reading TSW’s fine work.
Also interesting: No hetero Becks fanfic to be found.
Holly – You should listen to how the gals in our UK office talk about Becks. They turn in to 12 year old girls when his name comes up.
Sometimes I don’t get the Brits.
TSW, two words: Mr. Bean
I love Mr. Bean! (But the movie was horrid.) Rowan Atkinson is a genius!
But you know what British thing I don’t get? And they love? Like LOVE LOVE?
Withnail and I. I’ve watched the movie at least a couple dozen times, (I even bought it when it was still only available on VHS here in the States), and don’t get it.
(Although it does not help I don’t understand half of what they are saying.)
I apologize, but Mr. Bean annoys the shit out of me, I don’t find him funny at all. Rowan Atkinson, however, is very talented. I like Black Adder a lot. I can’t explain why I hate one and love the other. I also thought his little part in Love Actually was hilarious.
If you listen to the commentary track on the Love, Actually DVD (DON’T JUDGE ME), you discover that his role in the flick was more substantial in the original script, and that he’s supposed to be a guardian angel. (Note how he tries to slow down Alan Rickman when he’s being all adulterous, and distracts the airport guards so the little kid can slip through.)
I am feeling jetlagged and queasy, and that Becks fanfic is not helping matters AT ALL.
I think I’m going to go hurl now.
“Why donâ€™t you come and have a look?â€™ he asked innocently. I smiled, sat down on the bed next to him, and rested my hand on his injured thigh.”
That totally happened to me the last time I was with Beckham. True story.
I think the David Beckham fan base is a lot like the Tom Cruise fan base pre-2000…(opens up jumbo can of worms). Discuss?
Oh, and have you ladies… ever checked out sportsbabestv.com? Possible synergy or something there for you all. Just a mention.
SportsbabesTV looks fancy. Nothing compared to Holly and I going back and forth on IM about the difficulties of working the code in WordPress.
Oh Holly. You poor thing.
Are there known rebuttals to the Beckham fanfic? Besides, of course, a purifying shower of hydrochloric acid.
Believe me, any charms Beckham may possess (none IMO) disappear the minute the guy opens his mouth. Not only does he have the intelligence of an amoeba – as demonstrated on a national talk show in the UK…”We’re going to christen Brooklyn (their son), we just haven’t decided what religion yet,” but his voice sounds akin to that of a small mammal having its innards removed by an owl. I don’t know how he comes across in the U.S. but the words “cold” and “shower” spring to mind. Please accept my humble apology on behalf of my country for having foisted him and his emaciated, dimwit wife upon you.
Golf clap for Janie…that’s the best description of his voice ever.
Suss–I’ve scrubbed eight layers of skin off in the shower today, and I still don’t feel clean. I’ll keep you posted.
Holly, you deserve some sort of medal, award, or free shower for partaking in such an investigation. I think my life was a little bit brighter when I didn’t know gay David Beckham fanfic existed.
You know what is worse? And I know it exists because I’ve seen it.
Eddie and the Cruisers Fanfic.
Get your head around that one.
Truly the dark side, TSW.
I’m going to go scrub my brain with a pipe cleaner now.
I still think Becks sounds just like the Geico lizard.
And I could’ve done without the phrase “He turned the knob”, followed shortly by a description of his Lancome lip gloss… Holly, who knows what you had to wade through in order to find those gems. If I were you, I”d start poking my brain with a Q-tip.
Or what Boy Howdy said… at the exact same time!
P.S. I have a Creem magazine “Boy Howdy” t-shirt that I wear way more than I should. Just so you know.
okay, I can’t keep quiet any longer: I think Becks is hot!
sure he’s stupid, and married to a real idiot stick figure with no soul, and really, a mediocre football player – I’d still hit it.
Sigh. I will go and scourge myself now.
There’s always (at-least) one!
Beckham fanfic?!? Just what the world needed. Wow.
I confess: I think Becks is hot – minus the helium voice. And the crazy co-dependent relationship with his wife. And his obsession with hair, shopping and weird children’s names.
I’m flattered, Gordon, but please, no fanfic.
Nice design! kabababrubarta
In all fairness when he went to the TomKat wedding he had already been benched and wasn’t playing anyways. Or maybe he was out hurt; either way he wasn’t playing. Benching him was a stupid decision to given how crappy Real Madrid played without him, and how well he did upon returning.
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Was just directed here by the starter wife per a (slow) discussion of the Beckham picture at DS. This blog has a great voice – you flex the analytical muscle, then slide in a little “I don’t remember this scene from Taxi Driver.” I’ll really have to go back and read through the archives.
That being said, I think it’s bullshit that the “Making Love to a Red Sox fan” was the only one of the “Making Love” series that ended badly. Funny, but bullshit.
I have a strange twitching when I see Beck’s wife. She does something extraterrestrial to me that I can’t understand. I’m off to shop for a large purse that I can slap around..
I’m a guy! and i think becks is real hot!!!!!!!! i can’t understand why every girl doesn’t fall for him!
ur a freakin guy………….ewww thats nasty so r u callin urself GAY?? OMG!
so i am pretty sure david beckham is the SEXIEST man ever and probably will be forever!! oh, what i would give to changes places with victoria for one NIGHT!!!!
I like Beckham
beckham is a well known, respected athlete, husband and father. he’s popular not only for his looks but his performance on the field. he’s dedicated and has the most passion for soccer than anyone i have ever met.
david beckham!!!is such a good captain..a damned good player..and also a damned goodlooking!!!!u rock!!