I could spend the rest of my life trying to articulate my feelings on Ben Roethlisberger and still completely fail capture the storm of anger, resentment, forgiveness, understanding, sympathy, rage, guilt, indifference, disgust, remorse, disappointment, dread, frustration, relief and shame I’ve felt over the past month.

I have drank too much and had regrettable sexual encounters.  I have been coerced into sex I did not want to have.  I have just gone along with it.

I have had friends rescue me from what could have ended very badly; at college parties, nightclubs and once when a man tried to pull me off the street on the way to our boat house by the bridge at 207th Street.

I do not like the terms “gray rape” or “date rape” but I am also uncomfortable when the word “rape” is used broadly.

I have blamed Ben, the girl, the bar, the shots, his friends, her friends, the cops, the district attorney, the media and the entire world.

I still don’t know what happened and probably never will.  I have tried very hard to keep my own emotions and past get the better of me, but I cannot say I have been successful in doing so.

Part of me is relieved Roethlisberger wasn’t charged so I don’t have to believe he’s a monster.  Part of me wishes he would have been charged so I wouldn’t have this doubt in my mind.

I am a Steelers fan.

And I want nothing more than for this to have never have happened.

To anyone.

Originally posted on Black & Gold Tchotchkes.

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7 Responses to Ben Roethlisberger

  1. Ron says:

    I feel similar with regards to wishing this never happened. The doubt in my mind is that Ben might, in fact, be a serial rapist. The Steelers cannot afford to have a rapist on their team. Even if you give Ben the benefit of the doubt, TWICE, there are other factors that indicate that now is the time to get rid of him. I don’t see Ben being a Steeler next year. Out of respect for the victories he has helped give us, two Super Bowl wins, and so on, he should be traded to another team for his fair value and not simply released. Hopefully, we can find a team that is willing to “rehabilitate” Ben and everything works out. Finally, on behalf of Steelers fans everywhere, I would like to offer a formal apology to Andrea McNulty. I am truly sorry that we discounted your accusation and questioned your character. We now believe that something did happen, and further crimes might have been prevented if we had only listened. I am ashamed of Ben’s actions, and ashamed of my own statements in support of him.

  2. Sporting Dude says:

    Roethlisberger has bad handlers.

    Ben should come out and say, “I am innocent. This girl hit on me. We drank way too much and fooled around like a couple of drunks. Most persons I know my age have done this since college days.

    “Now I realize, because I am famous and extremely rich, persons are after my money. This is not going to happen again, I assure you. I see how many women truly are for the first time in my life.”

    In short, he needs to put the onus on her. Forget worrying about a lawsuit. He should sue her and the other one in Nevada for the one-half billion dollars they cost him in reputation since now he cannot trade on his name.

  3. Sometimes we, as fans, have to accept that there are more important things in this world than winning a Super Bowl.

    Quite honestly, we should just appreciate the fact that we’ll get to see the Steelers play at all this year, Ben or no Ben. We won’t get that chance in 2011.

    • It’s funny you say that Dave, because I’m starting to look at the potential lockout as a positive for the players and the league. I’m no longer worried about not having football next year or the year after, I’m worried about how strong the commissioner’s office has grown under Goodell aside of this particular case.

      Super Bowl, no Super Bowl… Our hobbies and our passions are supposed to be enjoyable.

  4. IJustMadeThatUp says:

    I suppose no matter what side of the fence you fall in your feelings about his guilt, innocence or punishment, whenever (and potentially WHERE ever) Ben steps onto a football field, his tarnished identity and his stigma will remain. It’s disgusting and stupid that it had to happen to an organization that tries extremely hard to remain above the fray when it comes to this sort of crap (that’s usually been the job of the Bengals and Browns, alternating odd and even years), but yeah. It sucks the joy out of watching the game to think about all this mess and how often all of us will have to listen to the color commentators taking pot-shot after pot-shot whenever Ben makes a mistake, looks left instead of right, or loses a game.

  5. Anonymous says:

    Couldn’t have said it better. This is exactly how I’ve felt through this process.

  6. Chief Wahoo says:

    Wow. I’ve been getting perhaps a little too much enjoyment out of tormenting Steeler fans over this whole incident. Some of them are really out of control. I was banned from KSK over an argument I had with one of their writers, but frankly after our disagreement I didn’t need to go back there anyway. I’m so disgusted and horrified by the fans who blindly defend Ben and more so by those who attack the victim in this case. Your words really touched me, and I feel your pain. Hopefully this whole thing will serve to teach Ben and others a little bit about respecting women, and we can all get back to rooting for our teams. Sports is where we go to escape reality for a while and I hate that this happened.

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