Football Foodie Kickoff Week: Sriracha Crackers

When players and pontificators talk about football, “pain” is usually one of the words most often used to describe the game. The pain of training, the pain of playing, the pain of recovery. Under normal circumstances, pain is the body’s warning system telling the brain that something is wrong. Don’t touch a hot stove, don’t kick your toe against a chair, don’t eat too many jelly doughnuts, don’t drink nine Mai Tais.  The resulting pain reminds the brain not to do those things again. But in football, pain is fetishized and celebrated to an almost unconscionable degree. Pushing through pain to in the pursuit of victory is what builds heroes on the playing field.

The same can be said for Sriracha sauce.

The body can tolerate only so much Sriracha sauce, and yet, when there is too much Sriracha you keep carrying on eating it despite the pain. The Oatmeal calls this phenomenon the Sriracha Burn and warns, “It will hurt more than you’ve every been burned.”

I based the recipe for Sriracha Crackers on last season’s Pumpkin Sage Crackers (a post that interestingly enough, delved into what it is like for a fan to watch pain), thinking I could just switch out a half a cup of pumpkin puree with a half a cup of Sriracha. Nothing I’d ever eaten before ever hurt so much. There was sweat and there were tears as the world caved in around me and every fiber of my being rebelled against these crackers. Yet I kept eating them, just a few crackers at a time over the course of a week until they were gone.

While eating the second attempted batch of Sriracha crackers — 1/3 cup chili sauce, increasing the amount of milk in the dough — Bry laughed at me each time I’d eat one cracker than run to the fridge for a spoonful of yogurt or sour cream to deaden the painful heat torturing my tongue. Despite the pain, I couldn’t stay away from these spicy hot crackers and they were gone in a few days.

Third batch was the trick. 1/4 cup Sriracha sauce and nearly 5/8 cup of milk. Still hot, still tasty, still painful, but not so much so that the eater couldn’t win out over the spicy cracker. Crackers that could be consumed over the course of a single afternoon, not an entire training camp.

You will need…

• 2 cups all-purpose flour, plus more for rolling out the dough
• 1 bunch of fresh chives, minced
• 1 teaspoon kosher salt, plus a sprinkle more for cracker topping
• 8 tablespoons of cold butter (1/2 cup, or one stick of butter)
• 1/4 cup sriracha sauce
• 8-10 tablespoons of half and half or milk (Between 1/2-5/8 cup.)

Preheat oven to 425º. (If your oven tends to run hot, 400º.)

Using either a food processor, a pastry blender or two knives, cut together the flour, chives, 1 teaspoon salt and the cold butter until the dough takes on a granular, sandy consistency.

Blend in Sriracha sauce.

Warning! During this step, do not accidentally get Sriracha into your eye! That is a level of pain reserved for Jacksonville Jaguar fans finding out their starting quarterback has been released days before the season opener. (Now stop asking me how I got Sriracha in my eye.)

Slowing mix in milk or half and half until a moist dough ball is formed. If your dough seems pliable enough, there no need to add in all the milk called for in the recipe.

Divide into three equal balls. Cover and rest the cracker dough in the refrigerator for at least 30 minutes.

Lightly flour a piece of parchment paper or lightly oiled foil the size of a cookie sheet and roll out one dough ball. Give a light sprinkle of salt and cut into approximately one-inch squares using either a pastry wheel, pizza cutter or a knife.

Don’t worry about the crackers at the edges being perfectly square. If anyone says anything about the irregularly shaped crackers, remind them these are artisanal crackers and if they want perfect squares, tell them there’s a gas station down the street where they will be sure to find bland shaped (and tasting) Wheat Thins that might better suit their palate. Who the heck invited Colts fans to your party, anyway?

Move the uncooked crackers and lining onto a cookie sheet and bake for 12-15 minutes until the crackers have toasted up nice and crispy. If they seem a little soft but are starting to brown at the edge, have no fear, they’ll crisp up even more as they cool down.

Repeat with the remaining two balls of dough.

Serve with plenty of soda and beer to help stave off the exquisite pain of the Sriracha baked into a flaky cracker and be glad your pain is just a snack you eat and not someone named Big Snack hitting you.

Like Sriracha? Try our Sriracha Fried Pickles recipe.

Still time to join the Football Foodie Pick’Em league.