They’re such big balls
And they’re dirty big balls
And he’s got big balls
And she’s got big balls
But we’ve got the biggest balls of them all!

Followers of my often over-sharing Twitter feed already know I’ve been obsessed with these giant cheese balls since they were unleashed on the public.  What a great concept! An even bigger ball of cheese!  I love balls of cheese! Doesn’t matter if they come in generic form from Rite Aid, if made with blue cheese and olives, or if they have the unappetizing word “curds” in their name.  Love them.

So you would link that Giant Cheetos would be a home run?

Not necessarily, and I have shaky math to back me up.

Above is one serving size each of Giant Cheetos and regular Cheetos Puffs.   One ounce of Giant Cheetos is approximately 8 pieces.  One once of Cheetos Puffs is 29 Puffs.  Aside of the fact that the Giant Cheetos really are hard to fit into your mouth in one bite, you’re going to get more “munch” satisfaction out of 29 Puffs than you are 8-16 bites of the bigger version.

Looking at a cross-section of both Cheetos, you cannot help but notice that the corn-to-cheese ratio seems off.

The Giant Cheeto is approximately one inch across.   Now, the Giant Cheeto is not a perfect ball.  Some are more round than others, but they do tend to have more of a cylinder shape. Maybe 1.15 inches in height.

The Puff, a little more than a 1/4 (let’s call it .38)  inch in diameter, average 2 inches in length.

Time for the math.

Surface area for a cylinder is calculated by (2 x PI x r x H) + (2 x PI x (r x r)).

So for a Giant Cheeto, you are getting 5.183 inches of cheese coating.  For a single Cheetos Puff, you are getting a surface area of 2.614 worth of cheese dust. But like the mighty ant, you get power in numbers.

For a serving size of 8 Giant Cheetos, there is 41.464 inches of cheesiness.  29 Cheeto Puffs, you get 75.806 inches of cheese bliss!

You are also getting more calories and fat.

160 calories and 10 grams of fat in the Cheese Puffs verses:

150 calories and 9 grams of fat in the Giant Cheetos.

You can easily justify the extra 10 calories and fat by saying you’re getting far more vitamin E, iron, thiamin and niacin – whatever they are – in the Puffs.

Cheetos are a conduit for cheesy and salt, and Giant Cheetos just do not measure up delivering more corn meal than taste.   And since we already have the far superior Fritos for when we want salty and corn, Chester Cheetah’s Bill Balls are simply a pass.

Thanks to Smokey Cloud for being one of the few other people I know to buy the Rite Aid Cheese puffs.
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12 Responses to Almost Science: Chester Cheetah's Big Balls – The Cheesiest?

  1. Smokey Cloud says:

    Pride, thy name is a TwitPic of a bucket of cheese balls.

    Also, for fellow Cheez Ball lovers, don’t forget to sign the petition to bring back the giant blue Planters Cheez Balls:

  2. IJustMadeThatUp says:

    I can’t believe you sat down and did the math on this. I’m not certain Nasa involves this much math to figure out how to best crash a $1 billion satellite into the ocean. Well done!

  3. Holly says:

    You’re doing the Lord’s work here. Get this woman a grant.

  4. Chief Wahoo says:

    Ever stuff your mouth full of as many cheetos as possible, splash a little pepsi in and let it dissolve the cheetos til they are a sticky paste, then use more pepsi to clear the goop off your teeth? Yeah, um, neither have I.

  5. CW – No, but I might know what you are talking about if you say Cheetos that have been open for a day or two are better than a fresh bag.

  6. Extra P. says:

    I’m not sure what this says about me, but I always look forward to seeing what color of nail polish TSW will be sporting for her Vanna White flourishes.

    Professional Hand Model greatness, here you come.

  7. Extra P – They’re pink now.

  8. you are a bitch says:


  9. Extra P. says:

    No, YOU are!!!!

  10. Chester says:

    Please type “you’re” when you mean “you are” NOT “your” as you did above. Your (and I do mean “your”) math is good, your (and I do mean “your”) English sucks.

  11. One typo at the end of the post. You ARE the one person who even read that far down the post I am sure.

  12. Mike says:

    What an interesting find, thanks Google! I had always thought that you get much less cheesiness from the giant cheese balls. What really catches my eyes though is the size of the cheese puffs, They’re smaller (normal) compared to the ones I’ve been able to get a hold of in Indiana for over a year now. I originally lived in southeast Texas, where the cheese puffs were their normal more delectable size. Here, It wouldn’t take even two cheese puffs to equal the volume of a giant cheese ball. These big puffs are still enjoyable but not even close to the original sized.

    What part of the US are you from? I’m thinking maybe it has something to do with regions. for example, Edy’s and Dreyer’s Ice cream are EXACTLY the same. same company and everything. It’s just that on the west coast it’s marketed as Dreyer’s and on the east, Edy’s.

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