Previously on Ladies…

He was a hot Dodger.

Did any player strike more fear into his own team than Eric Gagne? And while it was fun to watch Red Sox Nation hold its collective breath every time he warmed up in the bullpen, he wasn’t brought to Boston for his innate ability to add a little excitement in once-previous-close-games. Gagne is the gourmet Whole Foods free-range bird you pay dearly for, but ends up tasting like a low-class Butterball.

The Steelers always know when players are past their prime.

On the road to a 0-16 record? Ricky Williams? Again? Playing in London? The Nick Saban debacle? Don Shula doing Nutrasystem ads? The Dolphins have been left in the oven so long, all the dressing, gravy, mashed potatoes, and cranberry sauce in the world cannot hide how dry their meat is.

Sorry Metsy

2007 Mets. Their collapse at the end of the season was the last gasp of the 2006 post-season greatness. Day five of leftover turkey, devoid of all turkey taste.


It is unfortunate that this player’s last name is Gobble. It is even more unfortunate that he’s a Royal. Swanson TV Dinner Turkey in a 1960’s aluminum tray.

At least you won us the bet with KSK

Maybe next year. #1 draft pick Greg Oden is the bird your Aunt Shirley forgot to take out of the freezer to thaw the Monday before Thanksgiving, leaving the family to feast on green beans and candied yams.


A Ladies email conversation about turkeys and Brian Bosworth devolved into naming the entire Heisman winner list a turkey. (I’d probably contended that everyone named the Heisman winner pre-and-including-Barry Sanders is safe, but that is just me.) Heisman winners are deep-fried turkeys. Everyone swears they are the best, but in the end it is a lot of work for 15 gallons of leftover peanut oil.

Mmmmm.... gravy.

Of course SA and Holly are going to have wildly different opinions on the Woodson-Manning Heisman year. In the name of diplomacy, I am saying Woodson is gravy. Not everyone likes gravy. Some people find gravy too lumpy/greasy/bland/bad for the diet. Others will add gravy to everything on their plate, including the marshmallow-Jello-tangerine salad.

The wounds have almost healed.

What. Were. We. Thinking. (It’s been six months. We can finally talk about this without breaking into cold sweats.) Tofurkey.

We don't talk about soccer enough.

We only barely touched on this topic here at Ladies, but Coach Greg Ryan’s last second goalie change in the World Cup lead to the US Womens team not reaching the final round and eventually cost him his job. Greg Ryan is the guy who says he loves turkey, but pouts when there is not a Honeybaked Ham on the table.

Almost too easy.

So the BCS might have to extend the at-large qualifications to the Top 18 ranked teams in order to fill all the BCS Bowl Game slots. Yes, the BCS is a Turdurken. A turkey stuffed with a duck stuffed with a chicken. Such bloated excess and never-ending game after game, you wonder why you even started watching in the first place.

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24 Responses to "Someone needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.”

  1. “innate ability to add a little excitement” = “6.23 post-season ERA blows”

  2. Texas Gal says:

    I don’t know which scares me more: the shiny dolphins, Greg Oden’s face or seeing the bracket again.

    Eric Gagne is the ultimate turkey. And the Mets collapse is still just as funny today as it was two months ago (sorry, Metsy).

  3. Texas Gal says:

    TSW: I was at one of his first spectacular faceplants in a Red Sox uni back in August. Josh Beckett pitched great ball against the Angels, everyone’s happy and shiny and then.. GAGNE. Someone threw a water bottle at him on the mound. He’d been in Boston less than three weeks.


  4. Tuffy says:

    Michael Vick coverage at ESPN – I Know What the Caged Turkey Sings.

  5. thistlewarrior says:

    Best. Gravy. Ever.

  6. Clare says:

    Who puts pink grapefruit slices and pieces of pine around a turkey? What are you, stupid? That’s stupid.

  7. Holly says:

    *dons Keep Your Fucking Trophy t-shirt, struts*

  8. tiff says:

    I wanna sop that gravy up with a biscuit!

  9. DougOLis says:

    Who’s the Heritage turkey? A-Rod?

    @Tuffy:Soft, singular clap

  10. SA says:

    Woodson+gravy=me trying to lick the screen.

  11. IJustMadeThatUp says:

    Ah, come on. That bracket should bring fond memories! You almost killed every computer in Ireland (all five or six of them). That was phenomenal.

    And I think Greg Oden is more like that turkey you get at Hometown Buffet that you think is so great, but then the local Channel 2 News does an investigative report on it and you discover the “turkey” is actually “ground woodchuck (with 26% turkey portions)”.

  12. Did they have ground woodchuck at the first Thanksgiving? Maybe Oden can give us a firsthand report.

  13. metschick says:

    And the Mets collapse is still just as funny today as it was two months ago

    Still brings a tear to my eye.

    And the Phillies going out and promptly getting swept by the Rockies consoles me a little tiny bit. Gotta find solace where ever I can.

  14. ladyandrea says:

    What an outstanding post. The title is genius. Viva el Hedberg!


    I was hoping someone would get the Hedberg joke.

  16. ladyandrea says:

    Man, if you were missing a couple fingers, you draw one fucked-up turkey. You’d be like, “That turkey was in an accident.”

  17. HAHAHAHAHA! Hedberg had some of my favorite jokes of all time.

    “This shirt is dry clean only. Which means it’s dirty.”

    I remember watching him one time when he just wandered backstage with his mic and riffed to the crew. Genius.

  18. hooligan99 says:


  19. hooligan99 says:

    Wring it out
    Bring it Clean

  20. matt says:

    I don’t eat turkey. Let’s impeach Cheney instead (ie. rip his guts out, stuff ‘im and slow roast him in the oven). Nice. :)

  21. OJ Simpson and media coverage of him. Both turkeys

  22. jennyagain says:

    the bcs thing is hilarious. now we see what happens when they build the system so that notre dame can auto-bid itself in year after year (until an epic implosion happens like this year). oops.

    go irish!

  23. Jenny – Or as someone said to me the other day in reaction to the BCS expansion, “They’ll do anything to assure Notre Dame a Bowl bid.”

    TGG – OJ is beyond a turkey. He’s Spam or something.

    Letra – Thanks!

    Matt – I’m pretty sure it’s impossible to off Cheney.

  24. LifeLongSoxFan says:

    The correct pronunciation of his name is Eric GAG’-ME!

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