October at Ladies U. Summer tans have all but faded away. The air is finally cold enough to pull favorite sweaters out of storage. Too late in the semester to drop Legends of the PGA without getting an “incomplete”.

And it time for the annual Screw Your Roommate Dance. As is tradition, each Lady selected her roommate’s date for dance. Pick someone too perfect and you miss the fun of watching the gal who keeps using your special lavender mint lotion ($36 a bottle! Buy your own bitch!) squirm. Choose someone too heinous and you’re apt to find your macroeconomics textbook being used as a bong in revenge.

Meadows Hall -Room 267
Andrea and Metschick – Homework all day, boy talk all night.

Metschick – Fresh off the win against rival Iowa, Iowa State looks ahead to their next game. But who cares about them? Nobody. Unless – it’s Taylor Bennett we’re talking about. At 6’5″, he’s the perfect height for Andie, and look, he’s not even 20 yet! Awesome. Andie, here’s a tip – mold him, mold him, mold him into the man you want him to be. Or just use him and abuse him – I’m sure he won’t mind either way.

Andrea – Taylor Bennett: perfect choice for hate-sex. Not only does this strapping young lad play for Iowa fucking State, who we’ve lost to 7 out of the last 10 years, but he also went to West Des Moines Dowling High School, a snooty private Catholic high school that happened to keep my high school girls’ basketball team from winning the state title. Little Taylor won’t know what hit him.Keeping Rutgers from their first Big East title ever, the Mountaineers of West Virginia defeated Rutgers 41-39 on December 2nd, 2006. The Mountaineers held on through regulation and 3 overtime periods, largely depending on the 122 yards and 2 TDs by running back Steve Slaton. At 5’10 and 195, he’s a nice hunk of a man and he’s a junior, so he can probably even buy his own beer. If he doesn’t make his own moonshine (sorry, J-money).”

Metschick – If Slaton can penetrate the way he does to all those D-lines, bring it on I say! I’ve seen him run – I know stamina won’t be an issue.

Craig Hall, Suite 473
Texas Gal and Clare. Managed to sneak a DirecTV dish in for the MLB package.

Texas Gal – I know what Clare likes. Clare likes pretty boy athletes- guys who have tall, lanky bodies and questionable hairstyle choices. She’s also been proven a sucker for a Cali boy or two.* But more than anything, Clare LOVES Notre Dame, she told me so herself.** So with all that in mind, there was only one logical choice for her SYR date: Jimmy Clausen. I know they’ll make a lovely couple- he can borrow her hair products, she can regale him with tales of her love for the Fighting Irish. I’m betting her homecoming mum will have a giant stuffed leprechaun, and will light up and play the Notre Dame fight song.

*this is all true.
**this is a total and complete lie.

Clare – I. CAN. NOT. BELIEVE. YOU SET ME UP WITH A GAY BABY DUCKLING. A GAY BABY DUCKLING THAT LIVES IN THE LAKE AT NOTRE DAME. If you wanted to screw me that badly, why don’t you just go all the way and set me up with Brady Quinn? Jimmy Clausen might actually try to touch my boob or something; I doubt BQ would want to do anything besides talk about shoe shopping and hair gel, let alone try get to second base.

Texas Gal – I think the term you are looking for is “gay baby emu”. And if Brady Quinn were eligible for this SYR thing, believe me, you would have him. As it is, you will have to take your gay baby emu and like it — at least he has pretty jewelry you can borrow.

Clare – I do love a big, chunky cocktail ring. Maybe this will work out after all.

Texas Gal – He has several to pick from. And in a pinch, you can always use his head as a kind of hors d’oeuvre server. Olives would fit really nice on those spikes.

Clare – Longhorns and Sooners go together like peanut butter and mustard. That is, not at all. Who better, then, to screw our very own Texas F. Gal with than an Okie? There were a number of good choices, like redshirt sophomore Ryan Reynolds, who is absolutely adorable (check those dimples!), but his health is suspect. There’s also cute little backup QB and holder Hays McEachern, whose parents were Longhorns. But I finally decided on versatile and svelte O-liner Duke Robinson, who can play guard or tackle, who saw more than 800 snaps last season, and whose great-uncle is Smokey Robinson. You really got a hold on her, Duke.

Texas GalI cannot believe you would set me up with a Land Thief. I would hook up with a Yankees fan before I’d get down with someone from Mobilehoma- and I’d NEVER hookup with a Yanks fan. At least you selected a not-entirely-barfworthy specimen (he is awful cute)- instead of that TRAITOR Hays, who has Horn parents and therefore should know better than to put on the crimson and cream. Duke just better not think he’s gonna get me to sing “Boomer Sooner”.

ClareI would hook up with a Yankees fan before I’d get down with someone from Mobilehoma- and I’d NEVER hookup with a Yanks fan.

Oh, that’s rich coming from you, SCOTT PROCTOR LOVER. Also? Greg Dobbs? Whose clutch pinch RBIs and well-formed ass you love so very much? SOONER. Face it, Tex, you heart the Okies, no matter what sport they play.

North, Room 327
SA and TheStarterWife – Spent a full week planning their schedule so they didn’t have a single class before 1pm.

TheStarterWife – I looked up and down the MSU roster for a good “screw” date for SA to take to the dance, but found too many flaws with most of the guys. Eric Andino was cute, but he’d been suspended by the team last year for fighting on campus. No hitters! I really wanted to set her up with Sir Darean Adams (SIR! He’s a knight! He’s classy! Maybe he has a sword and a horse!) but I could not find a picture that I found worthy of a Lady as fine as SA.

Instead, I went for dependable old Sparty. He’s handsome, energetic, and can hold off the Persians with 299 of his closest friends.

SA – And I think I’m a little relieved you went with Michigan State. I don’t know if I could take a Buckeye. Just so wrong on so many levels. I must say that I’m lucky that your fandom for college football is mostly hate for a lot of teams, because there are many guys to choose from. But since you hate Notre Dame (who doesn’t?), I thought the perfect person would be the one member of the fighting Irish that actually give meaning to that name. He’s a boxer as a hobby! That. Is. Hot. Tom Zbikowski.

TheStarterWife – Rally sons of Notre Dame indeed.

Off-campus Housing
Holly and GordonShumway – Hosts of weekly “House” viewing parties.

Holly – Every town’s got one–the too cool for school chick who wears motorcycle boots, rolls her own cigarettes, dates only college guys, and spends her lunch breaks lounging on the hood of her Trans Am.

She’ll probably grow up to be a bounty hunter, but first she’ll need a B.A. And what happens when college boys become boys her own age? She aims a little higher, that’s what. Jelly, I think you and Coach Rodriguez would actually make a fantastic couple. But this is Screw Your Roommate, so you get Jeff Bowden, spawn of Bobby, late of the Florida State Seminoles, seen here doing his finest Dauphin.


Cheer up, cuz–I hear he’s got a great personality, and if his swimmers are as misguided as his offensive schemes there’s not a chance in hell he’ll knock you up unwantedly. Kisses!!

GordonShumway – Wow, Cuz. Thanks for making me sound cooler than I am. While I’ve never writhed on the hood of a Trans Am, I have napped peacefully in the back of an 1988 Oldsmobile Touring Sedan. Hope that counts.

Also, thanks for suggesting that I have breasts. (Note to Our Readers: I do, however, have an excellent personality.)

Soooo, in response I get to select a date for you. My first instinct was to pull someone from the wilds and/or Cracker Barrels of Gainsville, but I thought that scenario would end with you purchasing illegal firearms, wearing a series of graphic tees, and making me the first victim of The Brave One 2: Electric Boogaloo.

This could be you. Although your haircut is much cuter and was not last seen on Jonathan Taylor Thomas, circa “Home Improvement”.

No, Holly, you deserve better. You deserve tradition and chivalry and an accent thicker than a glue trap.

That’s why I’ve selected none other than semi-retired Ol’ Miss mascot Colonel Reb.

Just look at him. The red suit represents passion, the mustache represents a failed attempt to hide an underbite, and the rakishly raised eyebrow says either “Ma’am, I’d like to tear through your cotton flower like a boll weevil” or “I suffer from Bell’s Palsy”. If that don’t scorch your earth, well, there’s always Vanderbilt’s Commodore.

Just promise you won’t shoot me in the face.

Seriously, the only thing I could think of that would be worse than your suggestion, a man that was conjured with Bobby Bowden’s withered loins, was a cane-wielding mascot that may or may not have only one arm.

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24 Responses to Ladies University 1st Annual Screw Your Roommate Dance

  1. Holly says:



  2. I’m still mad at you, Cuz.

    And what does it say about me and TSW that we both decided, “Screw it, we’re selecting mascots”. Sparty’s a bit hotter than Colonel Reb though. And probably less likely to order black market Levitra.

  3. Julie says:

    The “gay baby duckling” and the “gay baby emu” comparisons had me rolling on the floor. Well done Ladies!

    And, ahem, go Phils.

  4. JMoney – Don’t think I wasn’t at least half-tempted to make some sort of CosPlay joke in there.

  5. Holly says:

    We’re cousins, Cuz….we can kiss and make up.


  6. JP says:

    Brilliant, Ladies…

    The selection of Col. Reb and the Bell’s Palsy line actually made me laugh out loud while on the phone with my boss, discussing serious work-related matters. Nice work, G-Money.

    Make sure you keep us posted on the aftermath.

  7. JP says:

    Oops. I meant J-Money. My bad.

  8. If we’re discussing baby animals, I always thought that Tobey Maguire looked like a baby owl. The “gay” part is up for discussion, but a baby owl nonetheless.

  9. Do owls bloat up and show their fat rolls in their Spidey suits? (YOU’RE PAID MILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO BE FIT AND PRETTY. YOU MIGHT WANT TO BE AT LEAST ONE OF THEM.)

  10. bristlesage says:

    Oh, SYR. Back when blind dates were fun. Well, sort of. Well, you could get really drunk and, without compunction, leave the guy behind. Damn the getting older and getting some sort of morals.

    I think the Claussen pick is the biggest screwing here. Man, he’s smarmy.

  11. Holly says:

    apt to find your macroeconomics textbook being used as a bong in revenge.

    Wait, I must have missed this day. Anyone got notes?

  12. metschick says:

    I’m dropping by Holly & Jelly’s later tonight for drinking and um, more drinking.

  13. I was going to mention what happened to me after a SYR gone bad, but all these years later the pain over losing my Latin notes still hurts.

  14. SA says:

    Man, he’s smarmy.

    He is! Every time I see that picture I want to punch him in the nuts. I agree, that’s the biggest screw.

  15. ladyandrea says:

    Jimmy Clausen is the biggest screw. Holy crap. UGH.

  16. Ian says:

    So who’s wearing the mascot head in bed?

  17. bristlesage says:

    Seriously, SA and Lady Andrea, did you guys know that Texas Gal is evil?

    I’m glad the Phillies made the playoffs. If she had coupled the Claussen choice with them missing the postseason, I think it might have gotten ugly for Clare.

  18. Tuffy says:

    I am deeply disappointed after reading through the entire piece and all the comments and not once hearing the echoes of Russ Meyer in any of the proceedings.

    I want my money back.

  19. Holly says:

    Tuffy–I own the special edition BtVotD DVD. No lies.

  20. Clare says:

    Oh, it’s ugly all right, bristlesage. Fucking patchouli-smelling mountain bike-riding granola-eating mile high Jesus freaks.

  21. Oil Can Annoyed says:

    I think that’s a bolt (pictured). This article should be “Bolt from your Roommate”.

  22. It is a bolt. We’re not allowed sharp objects anymore since so many of us are called “stabby”.

  23. Holly says:


  24. bristlesage says:

    Clare, here in Cubs land, things aren’t a lot better. My sympathies.

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