Scientists shook the National Football League to the core today by announcing that 2002 realignment had not taken into account the Earth’s precession — or “wobble” — when adding a new division to each conference.
Dr. John Sheppard of the Minnesota Polaris-Solarus Institute revealed his findings Friday, stating that during the Paul Tagliabue era, the NFL mistakenly replaced the three divisions — East, Central and West — with four new divisions; East, North, South and West. According to Dr. Sheppard, the league completely overlooked the “Middle” division in each conference and missed teams previously considered to be defunct all across the Midwest.
“This is a big day for teams like the Louisville Colonels, who have been practicing all this time waiting to appear on the NFL schedule for nearly five generations now. Our report will hopefully right the wrong that is Indianapolis being considered part of the South,” Sheppard read from a statement. “Teams like the Kenosha Maroons, Dayton Triangles and the Hammond Pros have been keeping their skills sharp by playing in scrimmages against local high schools and prison leagues, so new NFL rules like 45 second game clock, 2 point conversions and the goal posts being located at the back of the end zone will not be foreign to them.”
“However, the players are still a little confused over what is considered illegal defensive contact, but we understand that is a league-wide issue not unique to teams previously considered defunct,” he added.
According to Sheppard, the NFC Middle Conference should include the the Hammond Pros, the Columbus Panhandlers, Munice Flyers and the Chicago Bears. Under the proper star chart, the AFC Middle would be made up of the Indianapolis Colts, Oorang Indians, Dayton Triangles and the Evansville Crimson Giants. When asked which team should replace the Colts in the AFC South, Sheppard recommend the Miami Dolphins “considering they are the southern most team on the map,” but added, “We cannot rule out the elimination of the entire division should Jacksonville decide to get off its lazy ass and move to Los Angeles already.”
When reached for comment, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, a Nancy Reagan Republican, said he’s had a chance to review the report but was skeptical of the science behind it.
“Researchers are continually bringing the league new information regarding the nation’s financial crisis and the perception of a lockout, the effects of nacho sauce on fans’ health, second-impact syndrome, and the link between player concussions and brain damage. We just can’t leap to conclusions every time a scientist walks into the room.”
Goodell was later overheard complaining in the NFL office cafeteria, “But I’ve always been a Pisces, it’s what my whole identity is built around. Compassionate, adaptable, accepting, devoted, imaginative. That’s me! Don’t the Racine Tornadoes know that?”
Others in the league were more receptive of the change, including Colts quarterback Peyton Manning who offered to play the rest of the AFC Middle in the 48 hours before the Baltimore Ravens and Pittsburgh Steelers to kick off on Saturday in an attempt to continue his playoff and marketing opportunity run.