There has been some play in the media over the past 48 hours over Antonio Cromartie calling out Tom Brady and Brady’s polite response, Rex Ryan bombastic barbs thrown towards New England and Bill Belichick, and Vince Wilfolk offering to punch anyone who disrespects his coach right “in the face.”
But other than Wilfolk and Cromartie, the trash talk has been pretty tame, if not downright pleasant. Lame! I spent my college years and then on at club level as a coxswain — yes, I can hear you laughing — in some pretty fast boats, and the only fun part of the gig was being able to insult other teams during races. The rest of the time it was pretty miserable. “Don’t tell me I’m rushing my slide, Sarah.” “Drink these five gallons of water for weigh-in then pee and vomit it all out so we don’t have to carry sand in the boat, Sarah.” “Don’t eat in front of the lightweight rowers, Sarah.” “Don’t flirt with the Columbia coxen, Sarah.” “Don’t hit the University Heights Bridge, Sarah.” I didn’t hit the damn bridge, that was Liz, you jerks! No wonder I couldn’t wait to unload on other people.
And letting all of that tension and stress out felt good, too. Of course it’s ugly. Of course there is a chance it could come back and bite you squarely in the ass, but tempting fate is part of the fun. Bulletin board material is supposed to be fire up both teams. The person doing the insulting gets to unleash and fire up the rest of their team. The insultee gets to stew in their juices just waiting to exact revenge on the insulter. With proper chemistry and vitriol, both sides are so ready to go at it come game time they’re bursting at their taped-up seams.
So in the spirit of hoping the Jets and the Patriots completely beat the crap out of each other on Sunday, I’ve come up a list of Henny Youngman-style insults in case either team (read:Patriots) needs some inspiration while improving their own trash talk.
“Cromartie’s wife has carried so many kids, Jerome Bettis refers to her as ‘The Bus’.”
“Tom Brady’s so good looking, he’s endorsing UGGs just to know what ugly feels like.”
“Revis Island. Darrelle’s so short he must be the guy yelling, ‘Da plane! Da plane!'”
“Pete Carroll said Mark Sanchez wasn’t ready for the NFL. Later on he apologized to Sanchez. He meant to say ‘AFL’.”
“Braylon Edwards, the only ass to get into fight over being successful in Cleveland.”
“Rex Ryan said it’s personal with Bill Belichick. Of course it’s personal, Belichick offered to take Rex’s wife to the Super Bowl.”
“Danny Woodhead is secretly hoping for a lockout next season. He’s up for a role in THE HOBBIT this summer.”
“Of course Santonio Holmes is happy to be on the Jets. Green makes it easier to hide his weed.”
“What a relief it must be for LT to be on a team that finally has a shot at the Super Bowl. Who’s he kidding, the Jets have no shot.”
“Don’t worry about the sex tape, Rexy. Every coach trips up every now and again.”
“In September, Brady got upset at Pats fans for leaving a game early and said he didn’t think Jets fans ever left a game before it was over. Little did he know most Jets fans have to wait for their mom to come pick them up.”
“Fred Taylor and Santonio Holmes are cousins. That’s insulting enough.”
“Rex’s sex tape looked great. Belichick’s cinematography tips were really helpful.”
“Braylon Edwards has dropped so many balls, his nickname should be ‘Puberty’.” (Clean version, ‘Times Square’.)
Hopefully they’ll get the idea. Feel free to add your own.
Potato Rosemary Pizzettes
Really, you can put whatever you like on small bites of pizza dough and call it a pizzette. Not only do I love potato and rosemary together (as previously seen in the rustic tarts), I especially love them together on bread. (See also, rustic tarts.) Pizzettes like this taste great right out of the oven, but also stand up well to sitting on a platter all afternoon or being reheated if made the day before, which makes them a great choice for your Super Bowl party.
You will need…
Fresh pizza dough, between 1-2 pounds
3/4 – 1 pound of fingerling potatoes
A few fresh sprigs of rosemary
2-3 tablespoons of olive oil
Corn meal (optional)
Trader Joe’s sells pizza dough by the pound, but I prefer the Whole Foods dough as it is a bit fresher and lighter. You also get 22 ounces of it for about $3, making it probably the cheapest thing you can buy at Whole Foods. If you don’t have have a grocery store around you that sells fresh dough, ask your local pizza place if they’ll sell you some by the pound. Sometimes they will, sometimes they won’t, but hey. You never know. Worth asking.
You could also make your own dough, but if you are going to go through all that bother go ahead and make a real pizza.
Preheat your oven to 375º. I prefer baking pizzettes to pan frying, just because it’s easier to make a large batch of pizzettes in the oven.
Clean and thinly slice the potatoes and form the dough into small, two to three inch discs.
Either on a lined cookie sheet or one dusted with corn meal, assemble your pizzettes. Dough, a couple of slices of potato, a light brushing of olive oil, then rosemary, salt and pepper.
Bake until dough fully rises and starts to turn golden brown at the edges, about 30-40 minutes. Most of the time you bake pizza at a much higher temperature for a shorter amount of time, but with these I prefer the low heat and the longer time as not to dry out the herbs and the potatoes.
Not a fan of potatoes? Sun-dried tomatoes, halved cherry tomatoes with parsley or chives also work, as does eggplant and mushrooms.
Now go insult someone. It’s almost game time.