Dear Danbury Mint,
Maybe I wasn’t clear the last time you sent me a flyer for the latest in Steelers related jewelry. The platinum-plated Steelers heart tag braclet with genuine Swarovski crystals was not stylish, despite the your repeated use of the words “spirited”, “fashionable”, and “luxurious”.
This latest mailer is a giant step backwards in style.
The one thing that you at the Danbury Mint seem to be good at is appealing to my love of all things Black and Gold, so let’s take a closer look at how you know how to pull at my heartstrings, especially with 52 days left until the start of the NFL season.
With 5 Super Bowl championships and an all-time roster that includes some of football’s greatest players, the success of the Pittsburgh Steelers is legendary.
It is the same way you tried to guilt me into buying the heart tag bracelet the last time. I don’t know if you are aware of this at the Danbury Mint, but Steeler Nation is one of the largest and most diverse group of fans in all of sports. We are not all babushka-wearing Nanas living on the South Side, and I wasn’t old enough/born to remember the first four, so really, you can stop trying to sell me on the legacy.
On any given game day, the frenzied fans at Heinz Field show their support with thundering cheers that shake the stadium. And it’s not just the guys letting loose… the Steelers have legions of female fans of all ages that are proud and eager to show their spirit.
Wait, you seem to be know that female fans come in all ages, but you just think we’re tacky. Got it.
Please take a moment to examine the photographs in the brochure I’ve enclosed. I’m sure you’ll agree that The Pittsburgh Steelers Charm Watch is a superb example of the watchmaker’s art.
Well now that you are talking to me in the first person and asking nicely, sure I’ll take gander at the glossies.
Attractive styling; precision quarts movement.
Now I am looking at this watch very closely, and I am not feeling your use of the word “attractive” here. Personally, I would have gone with “gaudy”.
Plated in 23kt gold, the watch face is surrounded by a stunning border of Swarovski crystals and complement by magnificent team charms. Fitted with Swarovski crystals and team colored enamel, the famous Steelers logo are elegantly re-created on these 23kt gold-plated charms.
23 kt-gold plating? I didn’t even know 23 was an option when it came to gold standards, (I know 24kt, 22kt, 18kt, 14kt, and 10kt, but not 23kt), but you over there at the Danbury Mint seem to be very proud of it as you managed to fit it twice in two lines, the same number of times you mentioned the glamorous Swarovski crystals.
As the perfect finishing touch, the watch features a toggle closure adorned with Swarovski crystals.
Oh wait, the sparkly is still more important than the gold. Good. I was worried for my dead grandmother’s ghost there. She loved Swarovski, so she can rest in peace knowing that it is back in its rightful place in the pantheon of shiny baubles.
There you go abusing that word again.
… watch is perfect to wear on game day or for a night on the town.
A night on Crazy Town maybe.
The Pittsburgh Steelers Charm Watch will be shipped to you in a luxurious satin-lined presentation case. Perfect for gift giving or safekeeping, the presentation case is yours at no additional charge!
Other than the cost to my soul for owning something that is an odd-karat of plating and appears to have reversable charms.
I’m sure there is a market for these charm bracelets/watches and I am sure that they sell fairly well, or you would not be wasting your time sending four page mailers to me every couple of months. But let’s not kid ourselves here Danbury Mint, this is not what fashion and fun is all about. I’m not asking for you to go all Hot Topic on me, (as a matter of fact, I’d probably resent you even more for the sellout if you did that), but you seem to have the market cornered on licensed jewelry and none of what you offer is appealing.
I want to buy something. I really, really do. I have my Steelers recut punk-style boys sized practice t-shirt in gray, I have my Steelers game day bag, and I have my Steelers temporary tattoos. So please, let’s try to make this relationship work. You make something sporty and fun and I promise I will buy at least two.